Aussie Humour
Posted: Thu Jun 15, 2006 11:10 am
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the Maintenance engineers (marked with an M ). By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Number 3 Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.
And the best one for last...
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by the Maintenance engineers (marked with an M ). By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Number 3 Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.
And the best one for last...
P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget
