Milsurp After Hours

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went

T'PAU!

I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??

He said "No, I've got china in my hand."



You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.



I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, it said on the packet 'Best Before

End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said

"No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke

said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"



So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"

The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"

I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."



I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.

They gave me a Volkswagen Beetle with no driver.



My mate is in love with two schoolbags.

He's bisatchel.



I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."

He said, "You've got cholera."



So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.



I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue . I couldn't put it down.



I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.



My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??

I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."



So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.

I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."

He said, "No, this is for the custard."



This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.



He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."



So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.



So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.

She said "Tenpin?"

I said, "No, it's a permanent job."



So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.

She said, "Are you having me on?"

I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you

anything."



I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside

my house?"

He said, "I'm not stopping you!"



So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"



So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.

He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"

He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"

He said "You're closest"



So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on

it. I thought that's Aboriginal.



I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing a

cat in there.



I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the

shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.



I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've

been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.



I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the

splits.

He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."



So I went to the local video shop

I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"

He said, "He's not your type."

I said "How about Batman Forever?"

He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Get out of here!

Go stand in the corner and don't move until I tell you to.