Milsurp After Hours

Nursery Rhymes We Didn't have as kids.........



Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.



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MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two hunks of bread.

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JACK AND JILL Went up the hill

To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

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SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,

"What have you got there?"

Said the Pie man unto Simon,

"Pies, you Dumb Ass"

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HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses,

And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs,

For breakfast again.

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HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,

All over the bedside clock.

The little dog laughed to see such fun.

Then died of electric shock.

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GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

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There was a little girl who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good, she was very, very good.

But when she was bad........

She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car.

My brother once got the strap (remember them?) for the following nursery rhyme that he told the teacher.

Mary had a little lamb,

Its fleece was black as charcoal,

Every time it jumped a fence,

You could see its little arsehole.

Our version of that one was....

Mary had a little sheep

She took it to bed with her to sleep

The sheep turned out to be a ram

And Mary had a little lamb.

Little Miss Muffet, sat on her tuffet

Whiling the time away

It wasn't the spider

That sat down beside her

But Little Boy Blue with a horn.

Little Miss Muffet

Sat on a tuffet

Eating her Curds and Whey

Along came a spider

And sat down beside her

So she stood up and stamped on it.

Mary had a little lamb

And the Midwife fainted

Old MacDonald had a farm

And the Doctor had a heart attack

Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water

Silly Jill forgot her pill

And now they have a daughter

Mary, Mary, quite contrary

How does your garden grow?

WHAT'S IT GOT TO DO WITH YOU?!!!

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard

To give her poor doggie a bone

But as she bent over, that randy sod Rover

Gave her a bone of his own

(Oh, and most of those so far, I DID hear as a kid )

I shot an arrow in the air,

It came to earth I know not where?

Bugger, that's 15 of the sods I have lost today!

little miss muffett

sat on a tuffett

eating her curds & whey

along came a spider

who sat down beside her

and said......

whats in the bowl, bitch?

Mary had a little lamb, It's fleece was white as snow

And everywhere that Mary went, The lamb was sure to go

Now Mary's lost that little lamb, Wherever can it be?

No-one knew, but strangely they had lamb chops for tea.

little miss muffett

sat on a tuffett

eating her curds & whey

along came a spider

who sat down beside her

and she ate that too!

Jack and Jill went up a hill,

they each had a buck and a quarter.

Jill came down with two and a half,

you think they went up for water?

Hickory dickory dock,

Two mice ran up the clock.

The clock struck one,

And the other got away.

Hickory dickery dock.