Not for the Timid or Faint of Heart
Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2009 2:38 pm
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
=========================================================================
Roy Rogers was coming home with his new shoes draped over his saddle. A Mountain Lion tried to get Roy and missed, taking his new shoes with him. The shoes were ruined when Roy found them. Arriving home he tells Dale the story and shows her the shoes, and then takes off with rifle in hand after the cat.
Roy finds the cat and shoots and kills it. Arriving home with the dead cat over his saddle Dale says.......Are you ready........
Sing along if you know the words......
Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?
==============================================================
I grew up thinking that the Lone Ranger was a Japanese Oncologist. Why else would Tonto keep calling him Chemo Sabi?
==============================================================
Did you hear about the pirate wearing a paper towel hat?
There was a bounty on his head.
===============================================================================
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.
He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.
Will this computer last five years? Obsoletely!
My rechargeable batteries are revolting.
When I had my PlayStation stolen, my family were there to console me.
Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.
My computer is so slow it hertz.
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune.
When kissing flowers, tulips are better than one.
My wife works over-thyme in her herb garden before she decides it is time to cummin.
To termites, a group of dead trees is an arbor eat'um.
On organic farms they till it like it is.
If we canteloup lettuce marry!
Scarecrows are always garden their patch.
If you're looking for oranges on an apple tree you will have a fruitless search.
In some conifer forests, you can't cedar wood for the trees.
You would think that being a submarine captain would pay well, but I hear they can't keep their heads above water.
An artist with the military kept drawing enemy fire.
Smells in the army are according to rank.
One evening King Arthur's men discovered Sir Lancelot's moonshine whiskey operation and shattered the still of the knight.
Trench warfare should always be a last ditch effort.
In the army mess hall, the men were getting fed up.
A woman was in love with twenty soldiers. It was platoonic.
Rumors about the army often have a kernel of truth to them but not in a major way and generally aren't private.
And if you hadn't heard crickets chirping yet:
The Jedi Knight traded in his light saber for a light dagger. He had gone over to the dirk side.
=============================================================================
After a long wait, an out-of work school bus driver finally found work in another district. Since he was the 'new guy', he was given the short bus to drive. To make things interesting for the children, this bus had been painted all over with various sesame street characters.
On his first day driving the new route, he started off with a fantastic, go-get-em attitude, and did his best to make friends with all the little ones.
At his first stop, a very heavy young girl got on the bus. He said 'Good morning young lady, I'm your new driver. My name's Fred". She looked up, and said "Hi, My name's Patty". As soon as she took her seat, he drove on to the next stop. Another little girl, this one even heavier than the first, stepped on the bus. "Hello miss, I'm Fred, your bus driver". She said "I'm Patty" and took her seat.
Fred frowned a bit and drove on. He introduced himself to the next little boy as well... who took one look at him and yelled "I'm Ross! and I'm SPECIAL!" At the last stop, he opened the doors to find a very normal looking boy, who introduced himself as Lester Reese and moved to the back of the bus. As he drove further, he checked the mirror and almost gagged when he saw Lester in his seat, with his shoe and sock off, picking energetically at the nastiest set of toes he had ever seen.
He let the children out at the school, then walked up the sidewalk where two other drivers were complaining about the kids on their buses. The first driver said "I can't get the little rugrats to sit down and shut up! They are driving me nuts!" The second complained "My kids were shooting spitwads all over! It will take me all day to clean the insides of the windows, and I'll have to do it all over tomorrow, too."
Fred snorted, and they both looked at him, and the first driver said "Well, what's your story?" Fred said "Me? Oh, not much. I've got - two obese Patties, special Ross, Lester Reese picking bunions on a sesame street bus."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
=========================================================================
Roy Rogers was coming home with his new shoes draped over his saddle. A Mountain Lion tried to get Roy and missed, taking his new shoes with him. The shoes were ruined when Roy found them. Arriving home he tells Dale the story and shows her the shoes, and then takes off with rifle in hand after the cat.
Roy finds the cat and shoots and kills it. Arriving home with the dead cat over his saddle Dale says.......Are you ready........
Sing along if you know the words......
Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?
==============================================================
I grew up thinking that the Lone Ranger was a Japanese Oncologist. Why else would Tonto keep calling him Chemo Sabi?
==============================================================
Did you hear about the pirate wearing a paper towel hat?
There was a bounty on his head.
===============================================================================
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
Talking to her about computer hardware I make my mother board.
He dropped a computer on his toes and had megahertz.
Will this computer last five years? Obsoletely!
My rechargeable batteries are revolting.
When I had my PlayStation stolen, my family were there to console me.
Trust your calculator. It's something to count on.
My computer is so slow it hertz.
Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.
When the plums dry on your tree, it's time to prune.
When kissing flowers, tulips are better than one.
My wife works over-thyme in her herb garden before she decides it is time to cummin.
To termites, a group of dead trees is an arbor eat'um.
On organic farms they till it like it is.
If we canteloup lettuce marry!
Scarecrows are always garden their patch.
If you're looking for oranges on an apple tree you will have a fruitless search.
In some conifer forests, you can't cedar wood for the trees.
You would think that being a submarine captain would pay well, but I hear they can't keep their heads above water.
An artist with the military kept drawing enemy fire.
Smells in the army are according to rank.
One evening King Arthur's men discovered Sir Lancelot's moonshine whiskey operation and shattered the still of the knight.
Trench warfare should always be a last ditch effort.
In the army mess hall, the men were getting fed up.
A woman was in love with twenty soldiers. It was platoonic.
Rumors about the army often have a kernel of truth to them but not in a major way and generally aren't private.
And if you hadn't heard crickets chirping yet:
The Jedi Knight traded in his light saber for a light dagger. He had gone over to the dirk side.
=============================================================================
After a long wait, an out-of work school bus driver finally found work in another district. Since he was the 'new guy', he was given the short bus to drive. To make things interesting for the children, this bus had been painted all over with various sesame street characters.
On his first day driving the new route, he started off with a fantastic, go-get-em attitude, and did his best to make friends with all the little ones.
At his first stop, a very heavy young girl got on the bus. He said 'Good morning young lady, I'm your new driver. My name's Fred". She looked up, and said "Hi, My name's Patty". As soon as she took her seat, he drove on to the next stop. Another little girl, this one even heavier than the first, stepped on the bus. "Hello miss, I'm Fred, your bus driver". She said "I'm Patty" and took her seat.
Fred frowned a bit and drove on. He introduced himself to the next little boy as well... who took one look at him and yelled "I'm Ross! and I'm SPECIAL!" At the last stop, he opened the doors to find a very normal looking boy, who introduced himself as Lester Reese and moved to the back of the bus. As he drove further, he checked the mirror and almost gagged when he saw Lester in his seat, with his shoe and sock off, picking energetically at the nastiest set of toes he had ever seen.
He let the children out at the school, then walked up the sidewalk where two other drivers were complaining about the kids on their buses. The first driver said "I can't get the little rugrats to sit down and shut up! They are driving me nuts!" The second complained "My kids were shooting spitwads all over! It will take me all day to clean the insides of the windows, and I'll have to do it all over tomorrow, too."
Fred snorted, and they both looked at him, and the first driver said "Well, what's your story?" Fred said "Me? Oh, not much. I've got - two obese Patties, special Ross, Lester Reese picking bunions on a sesame street bus."