Want a(nother) wife?

Aughnanure · Post by **Aughnanure** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 12:53 am

The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

Category: Religion

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. --(Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her. --(Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. --Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. --Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. --Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. --Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. --Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. --David (I Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) --Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. --Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." --Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take his wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). --David (2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). --Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. --Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife? Not!!! --Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

(Editor's note: I'm passing this along, and I didn't write it. Disagree with the interpretation? Fine, but keep it to yourself; I'm not interested in reading your argument. Again, I didn't write it. Oh, and by the way: I didn't write it.)

Nicked by Eoin from http://www.jumbojoke.com/

Woftam · Post by **Woftam** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 1:34 pm

I liked -

No 4 - provided you can include the wife as part of the deal when you sell.

No 10 - any tips on how to become an emperor ?

No 14 - until I realised multiple wives = multiple mother-in-laws.

Good humour anyway. BTW Eoin did you write this ?

Aughnanure · Post by **Aughnanure** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 3:40 pm

Mate,

I would have liked to have wrtten it

How to become an Emperor?

Ask the Kaiser of Canberra.

Eoin.

Tom-May · Post by **Tom-May** » Tue Dec 13, 2005 6:26 pm

The point about No.13 is that you must never practice the "withdrawl" method of contraception for fear of being killed by God and having your name go down in history as the archetypal wanker (Onan and Onanism).

Aughnanure · Post by **Aughnanure** » Wed Dec 14, 2005 12:21 am

I don't quite read it that way. I think Onan's sin was that he refused to get his brother's widow pregnant and to raise children in his brothers name.

Had he refrained from intercourse he would still have been guilty. Classic case of wanting to have his cake and eat it also.

Funnily the Church picks on the contraception as the sin and has nought to say in this context about keeping a brother's widow(s) happy.

Eoin