At this time of year, we want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send us e-mails over the past 12 months. Thank you for making us feel safe, secure, blessed, and healthy. Because of your concern, we no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. We no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists. We no longer drink anything out of a can because we will get sick from the rat feces and urine. We no longer use Saran wrap or plastic ware in the microwave because it causes cancer. We no longer check the coin return on pay phones because one of us could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. We no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though we smell like water buffalo on a hot day. We no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug one of us with a perfume sample and rob us. We no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. We no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. We no longer answer the phone because someone will ask us to dial a number for which we will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. We no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn us gray. We no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. We no longer date the opposite sex because they will take our kidneys and leave one of us taking a nap in a bathtub filled with ice. We no longer have any sneakers --but that will change once we receive our free replacement pair from Nike. We no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since we now have their recipe. We no longer worry about our souls because we have 363,214 angels looking out for us and St. Theresa's novena has granted our every wish. Thanks to you, we have learned that God only answers our prayers if we forward an email to seven of our friends and make a wish within five minutes. (neither one of us remember that being in the Bible.) We no longer have any savings because we gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time). We no longer have any money at all, but that will change once we receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending us for participating in their special e-mail program. Yes, we want to thank all of you soooo much for looking out for us that we will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (CST) this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. We know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of our next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second.
SgtMike
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