Retirement Living

[Karl/Pa.]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?' The other replies, 'Oh, sure I do.' The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?' The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.' After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'



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Three old ladies were sitting side by side on patio chairs at their Orlando retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled from years past shopping at the local Piggly Wiggly and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.



The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.



The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

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A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?' He replies, 'I lived here years ago.' 'So, where were you all these years? ' 'In prison,' he says. 'Why did they put you in prison?' He looked at her, and very quietly

said, 'I killed my wife.' 'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'



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Two elderly people living in a Port Charlotte Retirement Community, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One

evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.



The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?' After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'



The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?' He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?' He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will.' and I meant it with all my heart'. Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'



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A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It only cost me four hundred dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 'Twelve thirty'



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Morris, an 82 year-old man in Miami , went to the doctor at the local Medical Clinic to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful'', Morris replied. To which the doctor said, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'



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A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids.'

[Tom-May]

While we're on the subject:

An old man goes to see his Doctor.

"Doctor" says he "I want you to lower my sex drive"

The Doctor looked at him incredulously

"Mr. Jones, you're nearly 90. Your sex drive is all in your head!"

"That's the problem" said old Jones, "I want you to lower it about three feet!"