Blonde Mortician

[Karl/Pa.]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suiit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'

[Tom-May]

It is 1917 - Lenin and the Bolsheviks were on a sealed German train moving into Russia.

After a day of travelling, one of the Bolsheviks asks if anyone knows where they are

Lenin hangs his arm out of the carriage, pulls it back and announces - "We are still in Germany"

Later in the journey again one of the comrades asks where they are, again Lenin hangs an arm out of the carriage,

"We are in Poland"

Yet later in the journey, a traveller asks where they were, again Lenin hung an arm out of the train, pulled it in. looked at it and announced, "Now we are in Mother Russia!".

After the train finally rolled into the station, Trotsky quietly asked Lenin how he could tell their location by simply putting his arm out of the train.

"Ah!" said Lenin, "It's simple. When we passed through Germany, I put my had out of the train and the locals shook it,

When we passed through Poland, I put my hand out and the locals spat at it,

"And when I put my hand out in Russia ... Some Ba*d stole my watch!".